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Life Hiatus [Apr. 11th, 2011|06:38 pm]
My life went on a hiatus not long after Di died.     Christmas was difficult, but probably not as hard as I thought it would be.    The worst time came afterwards, during the dull, cold, and incredibly snowy January we had this year. 
Through most of it, I've felt like I'm living in an alternate reality, and in a minute or two I'll find myself back in the life where my big sister and going back many more years, my big brother, are still alive.
To say that we never truly expect to see our own siblings pass away is an understatement.  Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I'm soon to be 32 and where I was once one of five, I'm now one of three.    I know that this is life in it's rawest form, but I still hate "God's plan" nontheless.

My parents have coped better than expected.   My Father is a very philosophical man, and has dealt with his grief and pain through working his large vegetable garden.
My Mother has been somewhat lost, and if anything, this has brought us closer together.   We are best friends now.

I thank the Gods that I have been blessed with the most caring, wonderful husband  who has kept the family and household running when I couldn't face it.   He has never moaned, whined, griped, or any of the above.  He's been my rock.
I will admit that there were moments where he had to be Mother and Father to the kids, because my brain was located somewhere on another planet.    But he brought me through it, and I'm stronger for it.

Right now, and for the last 2 months, I've found the way out of the dark tunnel of mourning that I was locked in.    It's been a slow process, and whilst I'm sure that counselling could have helped,  I knew in my heart that only I could get over the loss in my own way. 
I am good, and I plan to stay this way.

Steve and I are trying for another baby.  Our last one.  It's been much talked of since Willow was born two years ago, but we had a miscarriage which threw the curve a bit. However, with Teague at school, with Willow walking and talking, the time is right.   Also, the agreement is that I get my tubes tied (although I'm pushing for hysterectomy as once my child-bearing is done, my womb will serve me no purpose other than the menstrual grief it gives me!).
Ironically, whilst trying is fun, we do seem to be having some fertility issues.   We have agreed to give it until I'm 34 and then we give up.   I learned that mother's over 34 are referred to as "Older Mothers" in the medical circles.   I don't want to risk my health.

(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: eire_sidhe
2011-04-26 01:48 pm (UTC)
GTFO my journal.
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(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: eire_sidhe
2011-04-26 01:49 pm (UTC)
Fuck off. I don't know who you are, I don't care who you are... just fuck off.
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